The most basic human desire is to feel like you belong. Fitting in is important. –Simon Sinek

My parents are both in their 90s and, until very recently, lived on their own in a large farm house up in New Hampshire.  For years, they had freedom, the creature comforts of home, and a friend network that was comfortable and predictable.  But age is undefeated and, as time wore on, it became increasingly difficult to balance autonomy with safety.  In early September, they finally made the move out of the ancestral home and into an assisted living community.

Overall, the transition has gone as well as can be expected.  But a change of this magnitude requires several mental and physical adjustments.  No more driving.  Signing in and out when leaving the facility.  And meals served at regimented times of the day.  (Thank goodness they still have Happy Hours!)  But one of the most intriguing adjustments was the social hierarchy in the dining hall during meal time.

Many of the residents have lived there a long time, and have established pre-set tables and dining partners that are etched in stone.  Like a new kid transferring schools in mid-semester, it was intimidating to find a group to sit with and fit in.  Fortunately, they had each other, but for the first three nights, it felt as though all eyes were on them as they entered and left for mealtime.  The angst doesn’t go away after middle school!

Eventually, my parents got to know a few of the residents, and the chill in the lunch room slowly started to thaw.  A few weeks in, I decided to join my parents for dinner to see first-hand how everything was progressing.  By this time, they had marked out their own “turf” (a table by the window), but had still not spoken to anyone else at the other tables.  As we shuffled through the dining room to get situated, a friendly woman, who was seated with another older woman, called over to my mom.

“Hello, would you and your husband join us at our table some time?”

It was a very simple request and hardly noteworthy. But it had a remarkable impact on my mom.  She was beaming from ear to ear and couldn’t contain her happiness as she emphatically accepted the future invitation.

And it really got me thinking about how belonging is such a fundamental need at all stages of our lives. And how the ability to make someone feel welcome is every bit as important.

The Invitation is Coming

At some point, we have all felt intimidated.  We have all felt like we were on the outside of the inner circle.  We have all felt as though everyone else fits in except us.  Perhaps we started a new job with a veteran organization.  Perhaps we were promoted to a group that had been working together for years.    Perhaps we moved to a new town without any connections to the social community.  Perhaps we left our old team and joined a seasoned team with defined roles for the players.  Any time we venture into a new area of life, we shake up the status quo and rock our comfort zone.  It is very easy to feel as though everyone else has it figured out.  As if everyone else is established and we are struggling.  As if we might never find our place in this new world.

But we just have to take a breath.  There is no monolithic force conspiring to keep us isolated. Not everyone is judging us. Most of the people who seem so secure are struggling with some issues as well.  We need to be patient.  We need to stay positive and look for that moment to break the ice.  We need to quiet our anxious inner voice and remain open to a new possibility.  We need to be confident that an invitation to join another table is right around the corner!

Make Some Room at the Table

And as good as it feels to get the invitation, it feels even better to offer it!  If we have had the experience of being on the outside, we need to appreciate that other people may feel that intimidation when we are the established veterans.  Empathy goes a long way toward making someone new feel conformable and confident.   It’s all about stepping outside ourselves and viewing from a different vantage point. We need to resist the urge to close our circle even tighter when things are going our way.  Inclusivity is contagious and boosts our own level of confidence and success.

The reality is that we will always toggle back and forth in life between feeling established and feeling alone.  The more we can open up and extend when we are in the inner circle, the more we will be able to stay resilient when the “tables” inevitably turn.  So go ahead and scoot that chair back and open up the circle.  There is always room for someone new to join our table.