Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. –Philo

If not for the “incident”, I might never have known his name.  Many years ago, he was the towel attendant at my health club out in California.  I always said hello to him, and he always did the same.  Nice enough guy.  Until the day we nearly brawled in the locker room.

It started off as  a normal day.  I arrived at the health club early, spent about 30 minutes on the treadmill, and lifted a few weights.   I finished up the workout and headed into the locker room to grab a quick shower before work.  Just another day in the life.

As I moved toward the showers, the towel attendant grabbed my arm and shouted in my face:

“Hey man, you broke the steam room door!”

I never went near the steam room at that health club.  It was petri dish.

“Excuse me?”  I couldn’t believe it.  

“You heard me, and you need to pay for that door now.  Unless you want me to call the police!”

Was he delusional?

“Have at it, big boy”, I said dismissively.

I stormed toward the shower hoping to avoid any more awkwardness.  But he spun me around again.  I was in my towel and had just recently seen the movie Borat.  The last thing I wanted was some kind of weird bath house battle.  But it was game on.

As I stepped toward him, three or four other guys grabbed the towel attendant and held him back.  He quickly retreated into the back office and I eventually calmed down.  Borat disaster averted.

In the ensuing days, I expected an apology from him or at least something resembling regret.  I never got it.  I saw the towel attendant two weeks later and he smiled, said hello, and acted as if nothing had happened.  Was I in “The Twilight Zone?”

I saw him a few times after this and each time he smiled and each time I glowered back at him.  Did he think I would forget about his aggressive meltdown?  I accepted the fact I wasn’t getting my apology but now I wasn’t even getting acknowledgement.  Resentment bubbled up inside me.

I didn’t see him for the next few months and eventually put the whole incident out of my mind.  Then he appeared out of nowhere one morning.  I, of course, was not happy to see him.

“My name’s Mike”, he said. “I get the feeling you have something against me.”

You think?

“If I did something to offend you, please let me know.”

Was he joking? But he seemed so innocent and sincere.  I told him about the incident six months back and he smiled and nodded slowly.

“I thought so”, he said patiently.  “I was drinking way too much back then and I just spent the last two months in treatment.  I have no recollection of it and I want to apologize from the bottom of my heart.”  

Mind blown.  I didn’t see this coming.  

In hindsight, it was so out of character from his normally pleasant demeanor.  Mike was clearly in the wrong, but I should have sensed something was out of place.  At the very least, I should have confronted him and asked for an explanation, instead of taking the passive-aggressive low road.

While the case of Mike the Towel Attendant is a bit extreme, the lessons apply to all of our lives.

We Can’t Assume the Worst

In our work lives, we can’t immediately assume negative intentions.  If we get a compensation plan that seems out of wack, we need to reserve judgement until we have a detailed discussion.  Perhaps there is a mistake or a reasonable explanation.  If we feel our boss is treating us unfairly, we need to address the situation right away.  Perhaps he or she is just having a bad day.  If our teammates let us down, we can’t judge them behind their backs.  Perhaps there is something going on in their personal lives which is impacting their performance.

We can’t assume the worst in people.  We don’t know what is driving their actions unless we ask.  How can someone change their behavior if we never bring it to their attention?

Communication is the Key

This is especially true in our personal lives.  How many relationships fail over the simplest misunderstandings?  How many family squabbles escalate through lack of empathy or clear communication?  How many friendships wither because we fail to understand the other person’s viewpoint?

Resentment can build like layers of sedimentary rock.  Each layer hardens and becomes more difficult to scrape away.  If we are to maintain healthy relationships, we have to address the root of these issues head on.  We can’t make assumptions and bury our acrimony.  We can’t wait around for an apology that is never going to come.

Assume the Best in People

The reality is, not every situation is like Mike the Towel Attendant.  Sometimes, people do treat us unfairly.  Sometimes, people have bad intentions. Sometimes, people will try to bulldoze over us.

I am not suggesting we just sit there and take it.  The world has a way of chewing up the weak.  But we can’t assume the worst in people as a default position.  Most of the time, that other person is suffering more than we realize.  Why not give them an opportunity to explain themselves?

Mike the Towel Attendant was way out of line.  I don’t regret my initial reaction of dismay and anger.  But I spent months harboring resentment over a decent guy who was wrestling with demons I couldn’t begin to imagine.  Never again.

Not everything can be taken at face value.  Sometimes, we only see the tip of the iceberg.  Everyone we meet is facing some kind of a battle.   Let’s stay resilient and assume the best in people.