The Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica, CA is a gorgeous stretch of outdoor restaurants, bars, and shops.  On beautiful days (which are most every day), the outside seating at the restaurants, flanked by the idyllic fountains, proves a tranquil scene to relax and enjoy some California cool.

On one such cloudless day many years ago, my wife and I grabbed a beer, ordered some appetizers, and soaked in the quiet serenity of the outdoors.  But just as we settled in, a deafening screech rang out across The Promenade.  A magician street performer had set a giant speaker and microphone in the middle of the Happy Hour crowd.  This was not going to end well.

Once the jarring feedback settled down, all eyes turned to the street performer.

“Ladies and gentlemen”, he inquired, “Who is ready to be dazzled?”

Crickets.    

Undeterred, the magician once again implored his “audience”.

“Ladies and gentlemen”, he screamed, “it’s SHOWTIME!!!”

Blink. Crickets. Blink. 

Then a single, gruff voice rose above the din the restaurant chatter and pierced the silence.

“Shut the (expletive deleted) up!”

The magician cowered back in stunned awe.  After a few beats, he sheepishly turned off his microphone, packed up his kit, and slinked back into the fabric of the passing foot traffic.

I have a soft spot for anyone willing to put themselves out there and perform in public.   But the magician had made a critical blunder.  He failed to meet his audience where they were.  It was quiet and laid back, and he didn’t ease his way into the scene.  And because he lacked empathy and awareness, he failed to bring us along on his journey.  And that is a critical lesson for all of us as we try to lead our teams and families.

Don’t Be a Bull in a China Shop

In our work lives, we have all seen the manager who comes in blindly and tries to impose his will on the team.  We have all seen the CEO who boldly proclaims his vision but doesn’t explain how to get there.  These are generally good people and they want to lead.  But they fail to realize that their teams and employees are made up of individuals.  There are nuances to leadership.  The individual and collective moods of the organization will ebb and flow.  It is critical to stay in touch with that pulse and meet the team where they are.  We can’t just turn on our microphone and shout in the middle of the Promenade.  People will follow when they feel they are part of the mission.

We Need to Meet in the Middle

And this principle applies to our personal lives as well.  Relationships require flexibility and give and take.  Rigid orders and uncompromising attitudes rarely attract a loyal following.  Relationships are built on collaboration, not dictation.

People rarely start from the same viewpoint or position.  Each side needs to have some empathy and move a little bit in the direction of the other person.  If we dig in our claws and refuse to see another person’s point of view, each side will greet the other with a “shut the (expletive deleted) up” attitude.  Does that sound like a recipe for a resilient life?

Empathy is Strength

That is not to say we should act like chameleons and constantly adopt other people’s views.  We need to stand firm on our principles.  And sometimes leadership requires us to shake the trees to bring someone along.  Sometimes relationships require a defiant stand against unacceptable behavior.  Empathy and awareness do not equate to passive acceptance and weakness.

But we can still boldly proclaim a vision while meeting our team where they live.  We can still build solid, loyal relationships by understanding what is important to the other person.  We can still be strong and demonstrative while recognizing that we can’t strong-arm and will someone along the path.

Leadership is not easy.  It will require empathy.  It will require self-awareness and an understanding of the mood and dynamics of our team, employees, spouse, and family.  It will require a subtle and important change in perspective that will lead to a more resilient life.  Are you ready to take the first step?

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s SHOWTIME!