“If Everyone Likes You, You Might As Well Go Sell Shoes!”

You will get all you want in life, if you help enough other people get what they want. –Zig Ziglar

My time spent in Hollywood will go down on paper as a failure.  I wanted to succeed in the movie business.  I wanted to write screenplays, produce, and generally thrive in The Dream Factory.  That did not happen.  But the lessons I gleaned from that experience have proved invaluable.

One such lesson occured on the eve of a job interview with a major movie director.  I was working as a lowly assistant at CAA, a major Hollywood talent agency, and hoping to make my move up the ladder. I discovered that an agent in our firm actually represented the director, and I scheduled some time to learn more about him.

The agent was very forthcoming and offered solid advice on how to approach the interview.  As the information session was wrapping up, I asked the agent if people liked this director.  I was trying to get a sense of his temperament.  The agent mentioned that the people who made money from his films liked him.  I, in hindsight, naively pressed the matter:

“What about the people who work for him?  Does everyone like him?”

The agent scoffed in disbelief and stared at me with cold, dark eyes.

“Look son, if everyone likes you, you might as well go sell shoes!”

And with that, he waved his hand dismissively and ended the meeting.

Frankly, to this day, I still don’t really know what he meant.  Was selling shoes such a horrible fate?  But one thing was clear.  Likability was not a cherished trait in Hollywood at that time.

And I wonder how many of us view likability as a liability?  I wonder how many of us are afraid of presenting our true selves in our personal and professional lives?

Intimidation Will Only Get Us So Far

In our work lives, we have been taught to come out swinging.  The relentless negotiator.  The hard-charging boss.  The stern teacher.  The no-nonsense executive.  The overbearing coach.  Take no prisoners and burn the ships!  There are certainly times that call for this type of approach.  But is this our default position because it is a genuine part of our disposition?  Or are we simply too afraid to be nice?

Customers respect partners who represent them with integrity and honor.  Employees respect leaders who put their team member’s needs above their own.  Players respect coaches who take the time to understand what motivates them.  Students respect teachers who believe in them.  True loyalty is born from displaying empathy in moments of crisis.  Fear and intimidation will only get you so far.  People just want to be appreciated and understood.

Kindness is Not a Weakness

And the same is true in our personal lives.  Why are we afraid to show vulnerability?  What is the downside of displaying care and concern?  Why do we keep people at a distance?  The reality is that personal relationships are hard.  No one wants to look foolish.  If we keep up our tough outer shell, no one can hurt us.  Right?

But we can’t live our lives with our guards constantly up.  We all want to be strong parents, but at some point, we have to admit we are wrong.  We all want to be strong spouses and family members, but at some point,  we have to admit we don’t know have all the answers.  We can be fair, approachable and loving and still be effective.

Likability is NOT a liability!

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That is not to say we have to seek likability. None of us are doormats.  Sometimes, we have to be tough. Sometimes, our actions will be unpopular.  Every once in a while, we have to shake the trees!   Not everyone is going to like us and that is perfectly okay!   As long as our actions are driven from a genuine desire to help others, it doesn’t matter. Life is not a popularity contest.

But we don’t need to be unnecessarily harsh and intimidating to prove our point either.  We can still be fiercely competitive.  We can still win.  The toughest people I know lead with love and understanding.  They know what motivates people to respond.  They know that empathy breeds loyalty.  They don’t view likeability and kindness as a weakness.

Resilience cannot flourish if we are surrounded by bullies and blowhards.  We don’t need to blindly adopt this approach just to fit in.  By helping others achieve their goals and dreams, we will help others stay resilient.  And we will help ourselves in the process.

It’s okay if people genuinely like you.  It’s okay to sell shoes for a living.  Likability is not a liability!