What is at the root of all conflict in the world? As I sat and listened to the sermon in the Georgetown Prep chapel, I started ticking off the possibilities in my mind. Money? Hatred? Jealousy? Oil? The answer was even simpler. All conflicts in the world come down to one thing: lack of forgiveness. It is why relationships fall apart. It is why teams fail. And it is why countries go to war. Our ability to hold a grudge has become a far more powerful force than our ability to forgive. These grudges can have a dramatic negative impact on both our personal lives and business lives if we do not learn how to let it go.
In our personal lives, an increasing sense of entitlement plays a major role in our ability to forgive. There are rare instances when someone so grievously offends you or a family member that you have no choice but to go into Cobra Kai mode (“Strike Hard! Strike Fast! No Mercy!”) But most of the time, the offenses are not as severe we make them out to be. By creating unnecessary drama, we heighten the conflict and hold a grudge because we feel we are entitled. A friend or family member can’t make it to a key event in your life? Perhaps they have more going on than you realize. Don’t sweat it. A neighbor’s dog relieves himself on your lawn? Get over it. Your lawn isn’t that great anyway. A fan yells at your child for not hustling on the field? Understandably irritating. But maybe your child should be hustling more. Holding a grudge for these types of minor offenses only saps your own happiness. It is easier said than done to forgive and, truth be told, I still have a long way to go in this department. But these grudges add up over time and soon you start to look for reasons to be upset. The reality is, most of the time we overblow the situation in our own minds. Remember, drama is not your friend and none of us should be above forgiveness.
Lack of forgiveness plays an even larger role in the workplace. There is nothing more important than building a cohesive team that offers support and a nurturing environment for the individual team members. As the team becomes successful, the individual members become successful. But too often, in-fighting leads to jealousy and rips the team dynamic apart. In those cases, individuals now try to succeed by tearing the other team members down. The subsequent gossiping, backstabbing and withholding of information can, unfortunately, advance the career of an individual. But it will never advance the success of the team. The offended employees hold grudges against those who have taken the low road. This leads to a spiral of dysfunction. But all team members should understand that the minute you accept a salaried role in a for-profit company, you should expect a certain amount of jockeying and bad office politics. It doesn’t mean it is right and it doesn’t excuse the behavior. But this is reality. Do not hold grudges against those team members who offend you. Nobody owes you anything and you cannot feel like a victim. Instead, rise up above the fray and be a shining example to your team and your company. Let go of the grudge, forgive, and show others the path to a successful and happy life.
Grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something; forgiveness, however, is for those who are substantial enough to move on. ― Criss Jami
One final note about forgiveness. The most stubborn grudges I have witnessed are those you who hold a grudge against themselves. Unless you can forgive yourself, it is impossible to forgive others. Whatever poor decision or choices you made in the past, let it go and give yourself a break. Despite what happened, you’re still pretty cool. You are far too talented and important to let a grudge hold you back from achieving happiness and reaching your full potential.
Be substantial! Be resilient! Move forward! And, until next week, keep smiling!
Well said
Thanks, wife. My #1 blog fan!