David Brown Jr. faced the type of adversity that would leave most people bitter, devastated and angry. But, remarkably, his entire ordeal had the opposite effect. David has emerged from this tragedy with gratitude, perspective and empathy. And instead of crushing his confidence and resiliency, this experience has transformed his life and led him on a journey to authenticity.
David Brown Jr. met his future wife, Jolie, through a mutual friend, on a chance encounter at a bar in downtown Philadelphia. Jolie had immigrated to the United States from Uzbekistan ten years earlier, and David was intrigued by both the similarities in their outlook on life and by the differences in their background and culture. The two started dating shortly after their brief encounter and the relationship quickly blossomed from there.
After three months of serious dating, Jolie surprised David with a call that left him speechless. She was pregnant. David was flooded with emotions, but quickly embraced the wonderful reality that he was going to be a father. The relationship with Jolie, while brief, was genuine and passionate so the decision on next steps was natural. David and Jolie were married a few weeks later. Six months after that, David’ daughter, Lucia, was born. The family unit was complete.
But soon after Lucia’s birth, tensions flared between David and Jolie. Health issues and arguments over treatment for Lucia further strained their cultural differences. As quickly as the relationship escalated, it deteriorated.
“We decided to amicably split. It was a tough period. But we still had respect for one another and agreed on joint custody of Lucia. That was the most important thing.”
That arrangement lasted for a couple of months. But early one Saturday night morning, David received an e-mail that changed his life forever.
“The e-mail was from Jolie. It started out with ‘I want you to sit down and take a deep breath before you continue reading this…’ I knew right then it was trouble.”
What followed was unimaginable. Jolie had taken Lucia and moved back to Uzbekistan. No forwarding information. No means to contact either of them. An international abduction punctuated by the following icy close to the e-mail:
“Once Lucia grows up, I will tell her who you are. And she will make the choice to find you or not when she turns eighteen.”
It was a gut punch of epic proportions. Months earlier, David Brown was a husband and father. Now, his entire world was turned upside down. How would he go on?
Letting It All Go
The following weeks were filled with more angst and confusion. David desperately tried to track his daughter down. He involved the international authorities. He rallied his inner circle. He pleaded with anyone who would listen. But to no avail.
Bitterness. Anger. Embarrassment. David was hurt on so many levels by the situation. But mostly, he just missed Lucia.
“At my lowest moment, I had a vivid dream where I spent time with Lucia. She was safe and it was comfortable. I felt much differently about my situation when I woke up.”
That dream sparked an awakening that continues to transform David today.
“My perspective changed. I realized that while what happened to me was deeply personal, it really had nothing to do with me. I could not control any of those decisions.”
That subtle twist in mindset allowed David the space he needed for introspection.
“I always liked nice cars and nice clothes. I always wanted to be in a relationship. That is how I defined success. But when everything was taken away, I saw myself as much more than those things. I was worthy of just being me.”
With his self-esteem and purpose restored, David viewed his situation in an entirely new light.
“Once I accepted the fact that Lucia was gone, it became much easier to deal with the ups and downs.”
And this acceptance led to further healing. Bitterness was replaced with gratitude.
“I was still hurting. But I was glad I had gone through this trauma. It allowed me to see myself in a totally new light.”
And in the aftermath of the ordeal, people shared so many other stories of heartbreak and tragedy. These stories helped put his own troubles in perspective.
“I realized I was not alone. People deal with all sorts of losses. And no adversity is bigger or smaller than the other.”
David had gained valuable perspective and new-found gratitude for his situation. And this led him to an even more improbable place. Empathy.
“I held on to so much anger towards Jolie. But I now saw things from her perspective. Her father was never around so raising a daughter alone was not scary to her. And she viewed financial independence differently. I could see how she felt like she didn’t have a choice. I certainly didn’t agree with her. But I could rationalize her thinking.”
Emotionally, that was a MAJOR sea change from where David was months earlier. And it allowed him to let go.
“All the embarrassment, shame and guilt melted away.”
David still missed Lucia with all his heart. But he was no longer swimming in anger and resentment. This tragedy awakened him to so many truths about himself and his close group of friends and family. And his journey was only beginning.
An Awakening
David started to look more critically at some of the issues that may have caused these events to unfold. He turned the spotlight squarely on himself.
“I started to look at ‘giving’ in a whole new way. Of course, we always want to give. But I realized that people will take whatever you have. Money. Time. Whatever it is. When we give, we are giving up energy. And my energy was out of balance.”
David had sacrificed so much with Jolie. He had moved away from his family. He had given money, energy and time. He felt good about himself and always wanted to give more. But it was counterproductive.
“I now saw the difference between ‘selfish’ and ‘selfless’. I wasn’t taking care of myself. I needed to give to myself first so I could have the energy to help more people.”
This subtle shift allowed for more introspection. And he started thinking more critically about his interactions, particularly in the work environment.
“In my corporate life, I used to play the corporate game. I’d go to things I didn’t want to attend and pretend to be happy. I interacted with people and told them things I thought they wanted to hear. And when I became a leader, I noticed people were doing the same thing to me.”
But his experience with Jolie changed everything.
“I started attending events and meetings that I wanted to go to. I made sure that people knew to be genuine around me. They didn’t have to tell me things they thought I wanted to hear. I was so much more approachable.”
As a result, David became a better leader. And he started to think about his work and personal life in a different way.
“The whole experience made me more authentic. And that was a powerful force. “
And this question of authenticity has been at the center of David’s life ever since.
What is Authenticity?
David is currently pursuing a full-time doctorate program fueled by his curiosity toward authenticity, particularly in the context of leadership.
“This whole concept that people are either born authentic or not authentic didn’t sit right with me. By default, I believe we are authentic. To be, is to be authentic.”
But before he could explore more on authenticity, he had to come up with a definition. In the academic research world, there are no less than thirteen definitions of authentic leader or authentic leadership as it exists today. As a basis for his research, David is interviewing business leaders, across different industries and educational backgrounds, to search for common attributes. His hope is to identify a meaningful definition that can be empirically tested and incorporated into the development of future leaders.
And what has he discovered so far?
“The most authentic leaders are high in awareness and alignment. They have a deep understanding of where they fit into the mission. And what they want to do with their lives is in alignment with what they actually do with their lives.”
Amen! Now that is something to strive for in our work and personal lives!
What Does It Mean For Us?
David Brown Jr. wrote a book chronicling his ordeal and the lessons he has learned in “Letters to Lucia: 8 Principles for Navigating Adversity”. It is full of heartfelt reflection on his incredible journey of transformation. He also continues to pursue his definition of authenticity and expand his coaching and consulting practice.
But what about Jolie and Lucia?
“I last heard from Jolie in 2016. Lucia is now almost 7 years old and I haven’t seen her since that day. But I remain hopeful and optimistic. My intuition leads me to believe I will see her by the time she turns ten.”
And what will David do when that happens?
“I think about it all the time. But I can’t even imagine what I would say. I just know it will be great.”
David Brown Jr. went through unspeakable adversity and emerged a changed man on the other side. What does his journey mean for us?
How many of us internalize our bitterness and anger?
How many of us have the courage to empathize with those who have wronged us?
How many of us display gratitude for the upside of adversity?
How many of us are truly doing what we were meant to do with our lives?
David Brown Jr.’s journey raises big questions and provides deep answers about our ability to handle adversity. And his road to authenticity lights the way for the rest of us to stay resilient under ANY circumstances.