Seek first to understand. –Dr. Stephen Covey

Santa Monica, California. The beach.  The pier.  The 3rd Street Promenade.  And Saint Monica’s Church. All of these came together to form an incredible West Coast experience for my wife and me in our years prior to having children.

And it was Saint Monica’s Pastor, Msgr. Lloyd Torgerson, who may have had the greatest impact.  Msgr. Torgerson was charismatic and personable, and delivered some of the most dynamic homilies I had ever heard.  Going to church was something to look forward to every Sunday.

But it was the way he heard Confession that really set him apart.  Instead of just asking about my sins (Did I really have any back then?  Probably so!), he asked me a basic question: What did I like best about the West Coast? 

I told him I liked the ocean.  He drilled down.  What exactly did I like about the ocean?  I mentioned body surfing, swimming, and paddle boarding.   He listened intently and we continued to talk about the beach and the beautiful California weather.   Then his eyes grew serious and he delivered the perfect analogy:

“You see, the Lord’s forgiveness is like the waves of the ocean.  It just keeps rolling and rolling and rolling and it will never stop.  No matter what.  Never.”

Whoa!  

Msgr. Torgerson took a genuine interest in my life, asked questions and listened to my responses. Then he offered insight and wisdom in a way that I could fully appreciate and understand.  And the message still resonates with me years later.

Couldn’t we all benefit from that type of emotional intelligence in our work and personal lives?

Listen, Then Speak

In our work lives, it’s more about listening than speaking.

The best salespeople ask questions, listen, and fully understand their client’s needs.  Then, and only then, do they offer a tailored solution.  The best teachers meet their students where they are, instead of  blindly delivering a generic lecture from the podium.  The best coaches know they have a team full of individuals, and recognize the buttons they can push with each player to maximize their motivation.   The most successful entrepreneurs don’t just launch a product to the marketplace.  They understand and appreciate the feelings and emotions of their target market before putting together a business plan.

In our work lives, we are all trying to deliver some type of message.  But we can’t just throw it out there and hope it resonates.  We need to be curious. We need to understand the pain and point of view of those we are serving.  We need to empathize and truly care.

It’s Not All About Us

And this is even more critical in our personal lives.  It is tempting to jump in and immediately try to “fix” things.  We want to support our spouse.  We want to provide guidance to our children.  We want to help our friends.  But how often do we step back and truly listen to their issues?

If we want to offer advice and counsel, we first need to ask questions.  If we want to help our loved ones, we need to understand their pain points.  We need to fully absorb their message.  And that only comes from listening and focusing outwardly.  We can’t be ready with knee-jerk advice.  Sometimes, we need to be effectively passive before we can be effectively active.

Resilience is Not a One-Way Street

Why is this so important?  Because, let’s face it, we all need the support.  Our clients need our expertise.  Our loved ones need our advice.  How can we help them if we don’t seek to understand them?

Resilience is a two-way street.  We can’t do it alone.  We need business partners who see the full picture.  We need the advice and counsel of our loved ones in times of distress.  But we also need to give as good as we get.  If we take the time to understand and appreciate the needs of our clients, we will be financially rewarded.  If we take the time to listen and empathize with our loved ones, we will help ourselves by helping them.   In order to be resilient, we have to help others stay resilient.

Keep on Rolling

Msgr. Torgerson understood how to deliver his message.  He took the time to listen and ask questions.  He personalized his approach in a way that made it easy to understand and digest.  And that made all the difference.

Our words and our actions have more impact than we realize.   We have the ability to positively impact all those around us.  And, like the waves of the ocean, our resilience will never stop rolling.  No matter what.  Never.

Until next week, keep smiling!