Apparently, I didn’t always hate Carolina blue.

In the Fall of 1980, my older brother Jerry enrolled at Duke University. My parents drove him down from Washington, DC and dragged his 10-year old kid brother (me!) along for the ride. We knew little about the campus and less about the famed Duke vs. North Carolina rivalry. That would become obvious.  

We arrived on campus and took in all the sights. The Chapel. The Gardens. Cameron Indoor Stadium. It was glorious. And in the evening, we capped it all off with a reception to meet Duke’s charismatic and popular President, Terry Sanford.

President Sanford was the former Governor of North Carolina and would go on to be a Senator after he served his sixteen years at Duke University. He was a larger than life figure. As my parents, brother, and I moved through the receiving line, I noticed him making small talk and shaking hands like a professional. It was almost our turn.

When he got to me, he halted the entire line and pulled me aside. His smile was ear to ear. What was happening? To me, everything seemed normal. I was just a regular kid rolling through the reception line with my favorite blue t-shirt. Except it was powder blue. And in huge, block letters across the front, it read “Go UNC Tar Heels”! Not smart!

I didn’t know about the rivalry. I didn’t even really know that it was a Carolina t-shirt. I just liked it the way any 10-year old treasures their “go to” t-shirt. And now, I had pulled off one of the biggest blunders in history at the first formal Duke event for The Clark Family.

Terry Sanford could have been gruff. He could have made me feel uncomfortable, foolish, or intimidated. But instead, he beamed, put his arm around me and delivered a subtle but unmistakable lesson:

“Son, I appreciate you. But you will come to learn, we don’t much appreciate that color on this campus. Next time I see you, I hope you are wearing a different shade of blue.”

No judgment. No ridicule. No lecture. And the teaching moment was forever ingrained on my soul. Duke Blue vs. Carolina Blue. I threw that t-shirt in a Durham dumpster and never looked back. And thus endeth the lesson!

Good-natured rivalries aside, we all make mistakes. We all wade in over our heads. We all, at some point, fail in front of an audience. But how do we learn? How do we recover?  We need empathy. Appreciation. Direct but compassionate feedback. And we need it in both our work and personal lives.

Learning From Our Mistakes

In our work lives, we all scramble at some point in our careers. We join a new company and don’t fully understand the internal politics or procedures. We receive a promotion and take on responsibilities that are outside our comfort zone. We lead a new team and don’t know what buttons to push to maximize the potential of the group. We will make decisions that seem foolish in retrospect. We will take actions that are detrimental to our professional progress. We will fail.

That is okay. But how do we learn? It is not by making someone feel foolish. Hammering home a mistake only leads to more resentment and guilt. The best managers convey honest and direct feedback without judgement. The best mentors offer appreciation and perspective to help guide their mentees back on course. The best owners understand their employees will fail and help ensure they don’t make the same mistake twice. The best teaches correct but show the path to improvement. That is how we learn.

Teaching Without Judgement

The same is true in our personal lives.  We have all made financial missteps. We have all said something in the heat of battle we wish we could take back. We have all made decisions that, in retrospect, seem foolish. We don’t need someone to constantly harp on the negative. We don’t need someone to hang these mistakes around us like an albatross. Our closest relationships will share how they feel and demand we do better. Our inner circle will admonish and counsel without judgement.

The name of the game is to learn, improve, and grow. That comes through direct but compassionate feedback. That comes from offering perspective in a way that inspires and teaches, rather than crushes.

We Can’t Repeat Our Mistakes

Resilience is all about saddling back up after a fall. But we can’t always do it alone. Sometimes we need a little encouragement. Sometimes, we need a little empathy. Sometimes we need someone to point out the obvious without making us feel small.

We all make mistakes. It’s cool. And while we can’t change the past, we can ensure we never repeat those same errors in the future.

Thank you, Terry Sanford, for instilling a valuable lesson in such a gracious manner. Duke will always be my favorite shade of blue.