“Can We Just Let Bygones Be Bygones?”

Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping it kills the other person. – Nelson Mandela

Some deals stay with you longer than others. 

Getting started in the real estate business later in life was an exercise in patience and humility.  There was no deal too small or inconsequential to pass up.  And so I found myself embroiled in a tiny industrial deal in the middle of Bibb County, Georgia.  Let’s get this bread!  My client, Marty, was a part-time police officer looking to buy a small, dilapidated garage as a side hustle.  Marty had a THICK southern accent and a demeanor that quickly vacillated between docile and hostile.   He could hunt and fish with the best of them, but the finer points of real estate contracts and negotiations were slightly above his pay grade.

After settling on a “desirable” property, I was given the greenlight to negotiate and close.  The seller was more than accommodating but asked to stay in the property for another thirty days, which was customary.  When I updated Marty on the progress, he flew off the handle.

“Thirty days?  Heck no!   I ain’t payin’ ya to take orders.  I need ya to be all over this like a pack of dogs on a three-legged cat!” 

Oh boy.

After a few more choice words, Marty signed off and slammed down the phone.  I wondered if it was too late to pivot back to another line of work!

But thirty minutes later, my phone buzzed again.  It was Marty.

“Rawb, I’m real embarrassed ’bout my stern words.  Childish.  No excuses but I’ve been under some real pressure.” 

Silence.

“Rawb, I’m hopin’ you’ll do me a big ol’ favor, and forgive me for my hissy!”

Okay…

“Can we just let BY-GAWNS be BY-GAWNS?!”

I honestly didn’t understand him and asked Marty to repeat that last word.

“Bygones.”

Got it.

Marty was contrite (for him) and apologetic for his behavior.  And he was clearly going through some type of struggle.  In addition, he took the time to call and communicate his feelings.  It must have been very hard for him.

“Sure thing, Marty.  Consider those bygones long gone.”

And so we did.  And shouldn’t we all try harder to let bygones be bygones in our work and personal lives?

Seek to Understand

In the heat of the moment, we are ALL capable of regrettable behavior.  Emotions run high on large deals.  Power struggles escalate the stakes in any business.  Money can heighten tensions on any transaction.  A history of misunderstanding can exacerbate any family conflict.  Add to that personal pressure and individual stress, and you have a spark in a powder keg.  We often take out our frustrations on those closest to us.   It doesn’t excuse it and it doesn’t give us a right to unfairly unload on the nearest person in our path.  But, if we are honest with ourselves, we have all been guilty of boorish behavior.

Even so, we are not nearly as quick to empathize with others when the tables are turned.  We dig our heels in at the slightest transgression.  We are loathe to forgive an untimely outburst.  We put walls up when we feel threatened or diminished.  We fail to step in the shoes of the transgressor and take everything personally.  But, especially if the person is contrite, shouldn’t we look deeper to seek understanding?  Shouldn’t we take a breath before taking a grudge to the grave?  Shouldn’t we let by-GAWNS be by-GAWNS?

Stay Focused on Excellence

That is not to suggest we should tolerate destructive or belittling behavior.  We are not doormats.  We need to stand up for ourselves and those we respect and cherish.  But unneccasarily holding onto anger or resentment diminishes our OWN resilience.  In turbulent times, we will need all the strength we can muster.  We will need to focus on getting back on top.  We will need positive energy and confidence.  We will need to secure our own oxygen mask before helping others!  Bitterness over petty disagreements and grievances diminishes our ability to bounce back.  Judging without empathy distracts us from the task at hand.  We need to let go of the depleting rucksack of rancor so we can climb the mountain.

It’s not going to be easy.  We will fail more than once.  We will get caught up in emotions on both sides of the grudge match.  We are human.  But it is worth some intentionality and extra practice.  It is worth some introspection.  We are too focused on excellence to get caught up in the spin cycle of narrow-minded thinking. There is too much at stake to live small and act small.   Especially as we start a glorious new year, can we just let bygones be bygones?